


what i wouldn't do for you (why can't i be your lover?)

by onsides



Category: Men's Hockey RPF
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Dick Pics, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-20
Updated: 2020-02-20
Packaged: 2021-02-27 20:01:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,122
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22821412
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/onsides/pseuds/onsides
Summary: Gabe shrugged. “I don’t know, I think it’s kind of precious. 8 years is a lot but the whole idea of you growing up worshipping him, him being all nice and polite, then you guys becoming friends and then falling in love and your shared home is, what was it, Cane Harbor?”“Cole, come on,” Nate said, blushing, trying not to preen at the idea. He too has thought many times what a cute little story it would be. They could tell their kids about it. He wants a bunch, he knows Sid does, too. Little Croskinnons, running around their huge yard in Cole Harbor, being intense and lovely.“Listen. Send him your dick. It’s a good dick, he’ll love it.”“I don’t think you get how much I cannot do that,” Nate said, feeling outside of himself at the very idea of doing so.An hour later, tucked inside a surprisingly nice bathroom stall, Nate was stroking himself to hardness and angling his phone downwards. He’d be lying if he said he was drunk enough to not know better - he knew it was a mistake. He just- he hoped, you know? Gabe got in his head, he hoped that maybe, maybe, maybe.
Relationships: Sidney Crosby/Nathan MacKinnon
Comments: 11
Kudos: 196





	what i wouldn't do for you (why can't i be your lover?)

**Author's Note:**

> dick pic but w i t h f e e l i n g
> 
> title is from get you in by better than ezra. the song does not fit. i just like it

Nate tried not to watch his phone. He had things to do - he had a workout to finish, he had to go see the trainer, he had to review tape, he had to eat. He put his phone back in the cup-holder on the bike and set anew to peddling, letting the sweat drip off his body and shutting his eyes.

He was almost lost in the music playing in his head when he felt the vibration of his phone through the handles. Gritting his teeth at his own idiocy, he slowed and sat up again, picking up his phone and seeing the ominous notification that Sid had texted him back.

It felt ridiculous. They were best friends. Worse case scenario, Sid probably laughed it off and assumed it wasn’t for him. But Nate fucked up and they both knew it.

Nate opened their text conversation and tried not to wince. He deleted the - very good - picture of his dick, knowing it would make no difference but doing so anyway, but the message was still there. Sent at 1:12 am the night before, drunk out of his mind, he wrote:

_all for u sid_

So, no, there was no way they could actually pretend it wasn’t for Sid. But if Sid was a good person, he’d assume it was a joke, or a dare, or something else. Nothing that would confirm the truth - that Nate had a massive, embarrassing, colossal, and well documented crush on Sid, everyone knew it except Sid, but now Sid knew it too. The worst part about it all was inarguably the fact that Sid, like the old loser he is, had read receipts on, and so Nate had confirmation that Sid saw it an hour before he said anything.

Focusing on what Sid wrote back, swallowing back his guilt, he read:

_Am I supposed to find this funny or something else?_

Despite it all, Nate found himself fondly rolling his eyes at the classic Sid move of deflection. The ball was entirely in Nate’s court now to confirm or deny either part. Instead of making it easy on himself, as he has never been able to do, he grit his teeth and typed.

_i don’t know sid, did u laugh for this last hour or something else_

Shaking his head after hitting send, he squeezed his eyes shut and groaned at the ceiling, wrapping his hands together in front of his face. To his right, he heard Gabe tell him if he’s feeling sore to go see the trainer. He assented and watched the captain walk away, rolling his eyes and slumping. It was all Gabe’s fault, anyway. He hadn’t really gone out since having his kid and he decided last night was the perfect time for everyone to get so blasted it hurt the next day. Nate made the mistake of confessing years before just how into Sid he was, ridiculous and goofy and intense Sid, and Gabe was the one to egg him on last night. 

It was Nate’s decision to send a picture of his dick, though. Hard and leaking, fisted, right to Sid. His phone vibrated again and he tried not to flinch.

In that moment, however, his timer beeped for him to get off the bike and he did so gladly. He pocketed his phone and ignored it as he made his way to the trainer. He ignored it all through the visit, even though it vibrated again. He ignored it some more as he dressed properly again for the day. As he picked it up after laying it on the bench, however, Sid texted a third time. Sighing, he opened the conversation and read.

_I don’t know what you want from me here_

_You can’t just ignore your problems, you know_

_Not that it’s a problem. You never let me in your head anymore so I just have no idea what’s happening here. If you need to talk, let me know_

Nate couldn’t help the vaguely hysterical giggle that erupted from him then. Even now, Sid is considerate and helpful. Sometimes, Nate just wishes he would be mean and say what he’s thinking, exactly what he’s thinking.

He paused and re-read the texts, his eyes focusing in on _you never let me in your head anymore_ and he zeroed in on responding to that. Typing away and pocketing his phone, he packed up his things and decided to forego reviewing tape for now. He grabbed his keys and headed to the lot, feeling his phone like a stone in his pocket.

Eyes on the road, he focused on getting home and nothing else, not even changing the music. He got out and brought his stuff in, stopping in his kitchen, moving on autopilot as he completed a couple chores.

Finally, he sat at the island and checked his phone, heart beating.

_i don’t let u in my head because u dont wanna be there_

_u made that perfectly clear_

There was only a minute break between their texts. Nate wanted to imagine Sid fretted over what to say like him, throwing his phone down and pacing. He knew it wasn’t the case. As he braced himself for reading Sid’s response, he remembered their argument over the summer.

_“You’re just so intense all the time now,” Sid said, his gaze falling on Nate as they sat on his deck. Nate tried not to stare and took a sip of beer instead._

_“You’re one to talk, Cros,” Nate said neutrally._

_“I’m not like that anymore, you know that. I can’t even talk to you now without you getting… I don’t know,” he trailed off, looking out at the lake._

_Nate clenched his jaw and looked at Sid. “What?”_

_“You used to tell me everything,” was Sid’s only response. His tone was wistful, frustrated._

_It pissed Nate off. He would be lying if he said he wasn’t frustrated this summer. Part of Nate felt like Sid was upset Nate didn’t worship him anymore, didn’t treat him like an idol or anything. He felt like now that Nate was just his best friend, he didn’t care as much. He didn’t know how to communicate that to Sid without making him sound entirely malicious and big-headed, though. He never knew how to tell Sid what he meant without Sid misunderstanding anymore._

_Sighing frustratedly, Nate said mostly into his bottle, “You never try.”_

_“What’s that supposed to mean?”_

_Nate bristled at his tone. This was what he meant. “I know I spent years just telling you everything because I had no filter where you’re concerned, but I guess I hoped you’d put in some effort when I stopped.”_

_“What,” Sid answered immediately, his tone tight, “does that even mean?”_

_“It means you don’t actually give a shit about what's in my head, you just want to feel good about fixing it. That’s what it means.” Nate wasn’t actually sure that’s what it meant, but as he said the words out loud, a sickly kind of pleasure spread through him. It was kind of what he meant._

_Sid wasn’t answering. Nate chanced a look at him to see him look hurt and frustrated. As soon as they connected eyes, Sid stood. It was their last night in Cole Harbour, Nate leaving earlier than usual to return to Denver for some pre-camp work with a few other guys from the team. When he told Sid about it, Sid seemed neutral. He had shrugged. It cut Nate more than he wanted. He wanted Sid to ask him to stay._

_Now, Sid just grabbed the empty beer bottles and went inside. Nate shut his eyes and tried to breathe. This wasn’t how he wanted their last night to go. Bracing himself, he went in and opened his mouth to apologize, to explain himself, to-_

_“No need, Nate,” Sid said, his eyes down at the sink as he washed out the bottles to recycle. “Understood. I won’t ask, you won’t share. Maybe you’re right, maybe listening to your problems, as easy and fixable as they are, made me feel better.”_

_“Easy and fixable?” It cut through Nate like a knife. Sid knew how devastating the bad run on the Avs was. He knew how Nate could barely sleep, up at night weeping and moaning out of pure anxiety and dread. He knew changing his entire life to be better prepared for failure wasn’t easy._

_Regardless, Sid stood strong. He shrugged. Again. “Like I said, you’re too intense. Everything has to be a big deal to you, nothing can be small and inconsequential, easily handled. It’s a lot. It’s too much for me, sometimes.”_

_Nate gritted his teeth, trying not to yell or, worse, cry. He knew that about himself but it hurt, coming from Sid. He felt suddenly hysterical that it felt like heartbreak, like Sid was dumping him and he was finally telling Nate exactly all the things he didn’t like._

_“I have my own problems, Nate,” Sid continued, his voice steely and neutral still. “Don’t be one of them.”_

Nate had left after they exchanged a few more choice words about it all. Nate left feeling like his heart was broken, but he knew it was his own fault. It was always his fault. His therapist would kick his ass if they knew he was talking about himself this way again, but it was the truth. He fucked up everything. He fucked him and Sid up, again.

Focusing on the conversation again and electing to ignore the fact he disassociated again, he braced himself to read the short paragraph Sid sent him.

_I think I’m allowed to call that a low blow. Listen, I don’t know what you want from me here. I never know what you want from me. You matter to me but you won’t let me in. I try to talk to you and somehow it becomes my fault or something I did or didn’t do. You didn’t send that for no reason, just like you didn’t act like an asshole all summer for no reason. I’d appreciate it if you just talked to me for once and we could work through it so I don’t lose you._

_I’ll be around all night. Call if you want._

Nate scrunched his face at that, rubbing over it and trying to breathe slowly. He got up and paced around his house for a while, picking up random things and pretending to clean. After killing about an hour doing absolutely nothing and blandly reviewing tape on his team-issued iPad, he threw it aside and eyed his phone still sitting in the kitchen.

Walking to it slowly, he grabbed it and saw a few notifications from the guys and a girl he slept with a few weeks ago. He ignored that, intending on ignoring her in general, and responded to a few texts and snaps from his friends before settling into his study and bracing himself for the next however-long.

He pulled open his favorites list, wincing, and dialed Sid. Nate resisted a sigh as Sid picked up at the first ring.

“I didn’t think you’d call,” Sid opened with, his tone dry.

“Me either,” Nate admitted, kicking his feet up on the ottoman before him.

Sid sighed lightly on the other side and said, “Nate, what’s going on?” Before Nate got even a word in, he added, “And don’t lie to me or be bitchy. You landed in Nova Scotia weird and you’re still weird now. Just talk to me.”

“It’s you, Sid,” Nate sighed out, suddenly exhausted. He thought vaguely he’d go into this call with excuses about hockey, being dumped at the start of summer, who knows what. He even thought maybe he’d just keep lying, or maybe he’d tell Sid there was another guy and pretend, just to come out to someone. His brain had other ideas and he was too tired to stop it.

Sid was silent. Nate tried not to feel panicked as he pinched the bridge of his nose.

“You didn’t do anything wrong, I just…” Nate tried not to feel bad at the relieved noise Sid made on the other side. “I mean, I guess if your friendship is on the line regardless, who cares, right?”

Whatever disagreeable noise Sid made was drowned out by Nate plowing forward with “I love you. A lot.”

The line was silent again. Nate didn’t let it breathe.

“Like, in love with you. I have been for years. I guess… this year I just… I guess I just realized you didn’t need me. You definitely don’t want me, that’s obvious, but… you don’t really need me either. You just have so many people who, you know, love you and want something from you and need you and talk to you and fill your head with their own fuckin’ shit that I just didn’t want to, like, be another one of them.”

Sid was still silent. Nate was panicking. It was his own fault. It was _always_ his own fault. _I have my own problems, Nate, don’t be one of them._

“I don’t want to be just someone else to you, Sid. But you can’t help me with that. So… it’s, like, better this way, you know? Maybe I’ll even get over it one day, I can be, like, normal around you again.” The nervous laugh that echoed from Nate was decimated by the tears that had somehow leaked out. He frustratedly rubbed at his eyes, willing himself to relax. He was ending their friendship. It was his choice. It was his fault.

Sid was still silent.

“Anyways, I, uh… I know you probably hate me now. That’s fine. I, like, you asked, so… there,” he finished lamely, wincing at his own mediocrity. He suddenly remembered that he sent his _dick_ to Sid and cringed, eager to follow up with an apology suddenly.

“And I’m sorry I sent you that, last night. That was… so not buddies, so not bros, even if the way I feel isn’t either of those things, but you didn’t need to see that. You’re not into dudes, I know, and it was super gross and bad, _I’m_ super gross and bad, trust me, I know, but-”

“No, you’re not,” Sid finally said. His tone was neutral, steely, like always.

Nate tried hard not to be crushed. He was, though. Sid didn’t respond to anything except that. His usual fallback of assuring everyone around them that they’re good people, worthy people. No more, no less. He felt his heart cracking in two and he gave a weak smile, as if Sid could see him, as if it mattered. Nate knew Sid didn’t feel the same, of course he did, but this felt like confirmation. The worst, meanest kind, because Sid was still earnest in defending him from himself.

He tried to breathe as evenly as he could, the sound thick with tears that he tried desperately to hide from Sid. Powering through, he said, “Yeah, thanks. Anyways, sorry for… everything.”

“Everything?” Sid asked. Nate wished he could read his voice better over the phone.

“I- yeah. Like, the dick pic, obviously, but also this, and me being awful, and taking up your time and energy, and just… me, I guess. Sorry for me. It’s my fault, I know, but I still feel bad. You just wanted a friend and I couldn’t, like, keep it together. So. Sorry.”

“Nate-”

“It’s fine if you want to call it. Like, we had a good run, I think. It’s fine.”

“You thought I would stop being your friend over this?” Sid’s tone was incredulous. Nate felt sickeningly satisfied that he finally got some kind of response out of him.

“Uh, yeah, obviously,” Nate said. He heard Sid choke out a laugh on the other side. Nate would give anything to see him in that moment. He knew he’d never be able to get through this if he did, though.

Sid spoke again and Nate wished he didn’t. “I want to address why this summer, more than anything. You said it’s been years. Why now? Why pull away now?”

“Because you don’t need me!” Nate replied, his tone hot and his face hotter.

“So you want me to need you?”

Nate narrowed his eyes at his tone; it sounded kind of mean. He didn’t think Sid would mock him. Of all things, he didn’t think Sid would mock him.

“Fuck you, alright? This isn’t easy for me,” he said instead.

“Oh, and it’s so easy for me?” Sid answered, sounding angry.

Nate felt like he got punched. In disbelief, he hung up the phone, angry and heartbroken. He knew it was pathetic, he knew _he_ was pathetic, and lame, and embarrassing, and gross, and he probably made Sid unbelievably uncomfortable, and he’s probably thinking back one everything they’ve done together and wondered, considered if Nate was being a creep.

But he still wanted to believe Sid would be better than that. He’d let Nate down nice and easy in his saddest daydreams, tell him he loves him, just not like that, and he’d still be his best friend. In those daydreams, Sid told Nate he still mattered to him and nothing would change that. This was not that daydream.

He felt his phone vibrate wildly and looked down to see Sid calling back. He pressed ignore and stood up, shaky on his legs. Breathing deeply, remembering his exercises from his therapist, Nate paced the study.

His phone vibrated again and again and finally, shorter vibrations. After about 10 minutes, it ceased, with only smaller vibrations coming through.

He ignored it. Nate moved to the kitchen again and focused on cooking dinner, forgoing his usual sweet potato and chicken mash-up for something more tasty. He felt like he deserved it.

About 15 minutes later, there was a knock at his door. Nate sighed and checked his face in the mirror, seeing if he looked as devastated as he still felt, and approached it. He looked through the keyhole and saw Tyson on the other side, looking concerned.

Gritting his teeth, Nate opened the door. “What?”

Tyson narrowed his eyes. “Hello to you, too. I can’t stay because I was literally doing something, but Sid called me and told me to tell you to call him back. Or at least text him.”

Nate groaned, his entire being tensing up at him getting Tyson involved, the nosiest man they both know. He sighed and looked at him expectantly.

Sure enough, Tyson bit his lip and shrugged, “He sounded desperate. I don’t know what’s going on, but he kept saying you’re misunderstanding and he needs you to hear him out.”

Nate rolled his eyes. He already knew it was his fault, but now his own heartbreak is his fault, too. He nodded and then raised an eyebrow. “Why didn’t you-”

“Text you? I did. I’m assuming you’re avoiding your phone.”

Tyson looked deeply unimpressed. Nate shrugged, giving him a small smile. That was met with a very dramatic eye-roll and a usually devastating chirp that falls flat on distracted Nate. At that, Tyson turned and headed back to his car, muttering to himself. Before he got in, he yelled back, “Whatever it is, be kind to yourself.” He gave Nate a long, knowing look before getting in and driving away.

Nate tried not to feel bitter at how obvious he was, apparently. He shut the door and walked back inside, looking apprehensively at his study. Stalking to it, he picked up his phone and tried not to balk too dramatically at the amount of missed calls and texts from Sid.

Swallowing back his fear, he dialed Sid’s number once more and felt vaguely gratified by the immediate answer.

“Nate, please, before you hang up, I’m sorry I went to Ty, I had no choice, but you have to understand-”

“Sid, it’s okay. We’re fine. I don’t think you’re a bad person,” Nate said, hoping that would placate him.

“NATE,” Sid interrupted, his tone unrelenting. Nate flinched and felt angry at himself for the swoop low in his stomach. He stayed quiet, trying not to think about how readily he follows Sid’s orders.

Sighing, relieved, Sid continued. “I didn’t mean what I said. Not like you thought, anyway. I have to tell you something and… please promise me you won’t be angry with me. I hope it all makes a little more sense.”

“Okay,” Nate assented, feeling nervous.

“I’m gay.”

The line was silent. Nate was silent. He felt like his brain had blanked out. Sid was gay? After all this time, he never said anything? Nate never said anything either, but that’s because he could hide behind women, too. What about Kathy? Is Sid freaked out because Nate figured him out? Nate breathed deeply, feeling his heart crack just a little more, thinking, _He’s gay and he still doesn’t want me._

“I know what you’re thinking, everything you’re thinking,” Sid said, his breath catching and betraying his nervousness. Nate felt his heart drop at letting Sid down, letting him think he’s not fully supportive.

“Thanks for telling me, I support you,” he said, his tone weirdly robotic.

“Thanks, You Can Play,” Sid laughed for a moment, sounding relieved regardless. “But that’s not what I mean. I know you do. I know you always have, without knowing. I guess I thought this summer you finally figured it out and _you_ were grossed out and weirded out. I was paranoid, so I wanted to know what was in your head so badly, but… I didn’t want to freak you out. I felt stuck, is all. I’m sorry I made you feel like it was your fault.” His tone grew quieter, sadder. “It’s never your fault, I swear. I hate when you say that stuff.”

“But it’s true,” Nate interjected. “Look what I put you through just because I couldn’t figure out my fucking feelings anymore.”

“Nate, please, stop blaming yourself for how other people feel,” Sid said, pleading. Nate winced, hearing his therapist’s voice in Sid’s. He’ll have quite the story to share at their session on Thursday, that’s for sure.

Nate powered through and added, because he’s a disaster, and he hates himself, and he can never just let things rest, “So you’re telling me even though you’re gay, you still don’t love me, eh? That’s tragic.”

The dull laugh he let out landed flat between them. It was quiet and Nate swallowed, shutting his eyes and hitting himself in the forehead. He was a glutton for punishment, that’s what his mom always told him. He just wanted Sid to break his heart one more time, apparently.

“No, Nate,” Sid said, his voice hushed and reverent. “That’s not it at all.”

“What?”

He felt like he could see Sid smile, fond and annoyed. “I didn’t want to do this over the phone. If it ever happened, ideally, it would have been at home, on my deck or something.”

“You dreamed about it, eh?” Nate asked, feeling like a fraud as if he hadn’t day-dreamed a million times about it himself.

Sid sounded pleased when he said, “I have. For a while.”

“Oh,” Nate breathed out, stepping back and forth between his feet. He swallowed and said, quiet, “So… that was probably terrifying, eh, that picture last night.”

Sid gave a small chuckle and Nate’s heart clenched at how sad and lost it sounded. “You have no idea. I thought you were mocking me at first. Then I figured it probably wasn’t malicious and maybe the guys were just egging you on or something.”

Nate was silent, thinking painfully at Sid seeing the picture when he woke up and getting his hopes up and then having them crash down at the reality of it all. He knew intimately how that felt. He wouldn’t have wished it on his worst enemy, much less the guy he loves. He felt like an absolute scumbag suddenly and wished he could undo it all, even if it led to this.

Which, speaking of, Sid continued, “Why did you send it?”

Nate blushed at the memory that flooded his mind. Narrating it as brokenly and awkwardly as possible, he told Sid.

_“When are you gonna man up and tell him?” Gabe asked, swinging an arm around Nate’s shoulders and causing both of them to stumble. They were walking down the street from the bar to the next one, the rest of their teammates who came out that night walking in front of them._

_Nate rolled his eyes and linked their fingers together, tucking his face into Gabe’s neck, “Never, you idiot.”_

_Gabe smiled and pressed a kiss to Nate’s head, shrugging, “I don’t know, I think it’s kind of precious. 8 years is a lot but the whole idea of you growing up worshipping him, him being all nice and polite, then you guys becoming friends and then falling in love and your shared home is, what was it, Cane Harbor?”_

_“Cole, come on,” Nate said, blushing, trying not to preen at the idea. He, himself, has thought many times what a cute little story it would be. They could tell their kids about it. He wants a bunch, he knows Sid does, too. Little Croskinnons, running around their huge yard in Cole Harbor, being intense and lovely._

_“You built your house right next to his, Mac, that’s not subtle,” Gabe added, slurring his sentence together. They came to a halt in line outside. Gabe pulled Nate around to look him in the eye._

_“Listen. Send him your dick. It’s a good dick, he’ll love it.”_

_“I don’t think you get how much I cannot do that,” Nate said, feeling outside of himself at the very idea of doing so._

_An hour later, tucked inside a surprisingly nice bathroom stall, Nate was stroking himself to hardness and angling his phone downwards. He’d be lying if he said he was drunk enough to not know better - he knew it was a mistake. He just- he hoped, you know? Gabe got in his head, he hoped that maybe, maybe, maybe._

“And how many kids do you think we’ll have?” came Sid’s response, amused and fond.

Nate tried not to blush anymore than he already was and shrugged, despite Sid being unable to see him. “I don’t know. I never got that far.”

“Liar,” Sid countered quickly.

“Says who?”

“Says me.”

“And why’s that?”

“Because I’ve had the same daydream and it’s always been 4. 3 girls and 1 boy, so we’re evenly matched.”

Nate tried not to lose it. He really did. He sat heavily on the couch in his study once more and felt dizzy imagining it. The kids in his head didn’t quite look like either of them, as they probably wouldn’t, but… still.

Sid’s voice was small when he spoke next. “Unless-”

“No, no, that’s… that’s perfect, Squid,” Nate responded, his cheeks red and his body light. “Four little ones, all for us, eh?”

Nate squeezed his eyes shut at the sudden onslaught of tears again. He had to get it together. He’s barely ever cried in his life and now he’s doing it several times in one night. He supposed it was a testament to how much he liked this fucking weirdo on the other line, who planned out their family to have balance, just like everything else in his life. He couldn’t help but feel vaguely sad thinking about how afraid and disappointed Sid probably was, when he realized he was gay and not like everyone else.

He wished he was there. Unfortunately, he was probably, like, 10.

Sid spoke up again then. “So… do we wanna do this?”

“Do what?” Nate asked, still feeling dreamy about their future family. He tuned back in when he heard Sid snort and then sigh, exasperated when Nate didn’t emphasize.

“Like… date? Be together?”

“Oh,” Nate breathed out, his heart starting to thud spectacularly once more. “I didn’t know if you… you know.”

“No, Nate, I just plan out future families with all my buds,” Sid chirped, clearly rolling his eyes.

Nate narrowed his eyes. “I don’t know, you little freak, who the fuck knows? You do have a crazy co-dependency with Flower. Are our kids gonna be godfathered all by Duper and Mario?”

“Ty can have one,” Sid said, his tone sounding like he didn’t agree with what he was saying. “As payback for tonight.”

“He’s gonna be relentless at our wedding,” Nate said, leaning back, daydreaming about that next. He didn’t quite process what he said until he heard a hitch in Sid’s breathing and he swallowed. “Unless-”

“You’re right, he’ll be unbearable,” but he sounded fond. He sounded so unbelievably relieved and fond. “But first, a date, maybe?”

Nate laughed at that. He wasn’t trying to be mean, but he considered his mental calendar and picked out the date he had mentally circled as the next game against the Pens and said, “Yeah, pencil it in for-”

“December 18th.”

He smiled at that.

“Yeah, then.”

“I will,” Sid said, sounding determined. He hesitated, then, enough so that Nate even noticed over the phone and he didn’t speak again until Nate prodded him. “Well, two things. Three, I guess. When you said ‘ _you don’t actually give a shit about what's in my head, you just want to feel good about fixing it’…_ did you mean it?”

Nate winced. That was pretty harsh of him and he wondered if it would ever come up again. Swallowing back his pride and ego and tamping down the hope he felt about their relationship just enough to be real, he said, “Kind of. I know you’re a problem-solver and… I mean, you said yourself my issues are easy and fixable, so I guess I just thought, like, I don’t know... maybe you spend all that time with me so you can feel young and worshipped and useful? It’s not fair, I know that, you’ve never acted that way and I know that’s not you, but…”

“Nate,” Sid spoke up, sounding hurt and upset. “I would never treat you that way, please know that.”

“No, I do-”

“You don’t, though. And I know you have a lot of self-esteem issues you’ve been working through over the years with yourself and me and your teammates and your therapist and coach and I’m so proud of you but please, know that you’re valuable to me just as you are. I just like being able to help you. Yeah, I feel proud and good when I can, but it’s just because I _can._ You’re so intense, Nate. I don’t mean that in a bad way, but it hurts you sometimes. I worry, is all.”

Nate sighed. He knew this was the truth of it all. In a way, he felt sad that he still worried the people he loved and he still couldn’t keep his shit together after all this time. Most of him, however, decided to focus on the fact that Sid cared about him, thought he was _valuable,_ wanted to actually help just for him.

“I’m sorry,” Nate said, feeling disappointed in himself. At Sid’s disbelieving noise, he followed up quickly with, “For lashing out. I always do when I’m upset. I hear you, and I’m glad I’m wrong and you do care, but I shouldn’t lash out at you either.”

“Thank you.” Nate smirked at how begrudgingly relieved Sid sounded. “Look at you, all grown up and saying sorry like a big boy.”

Nate laughed at that. “Look who’s talking, eh? You let me leave Cole Harbor, hang up on you, bitch you out, how many times?”

“I didn’t want you to, you know.” The humor died immediately, as it always does when Sid gets suddenly serious. Nate waited him out and he continued. “When you told me you were leaving early, that sucked. I thought it was because of me.”

“No, no-” Nate interrupted, sitting up. “I really did have to come back, I want my A this year to be permanent. But aside from that, I never would have known. You get this tone in your voice sometimes, it’s so-”

“Neutral, yeah, I know,” Sid said sheepishly. Nate could picture him rubbing the back of his neck, maybe pacing his big kitchen in his Pittsburgh house. He was probably in his study too, actually.

“You’re such a pain in my ass.”

Sid’s tone grew low as he answered, “You’ll be a pain in mine after seeing what’s on the table.”

Nate balked, flushing red and letting his mind be filled with images after images of him fucking Sid various ways all around his Cole Harbour house. He breathed deep and answered, “It won’t be pain if you let me take care of you.”

“I’m looking forward to it,” Sid answered, voice gravelly.

Nate was deciding whether or not to switch to Facetime and just go all out on the phone sex when he heard something in the background of Sid’s side. He heard Sid yell in response and waited patiently, willing his dick to relax, clenching his jaw tight. Finally, Sid returned and sounded apologetic.

“I’m sorry, I completely forgot I told Geno I’d watch his kid for the night.”

“Well, you can’t really pull out your dick and cum with me on Facetime if you have a child in your presence, so we’ll just have to reschedule.”

He heard Sid choke on his next words and a laugh both before letting out his own laugh. Sid recovered and said, “Well, that answers my next question I had.”

“Which was?”

“Do I have to wait until I get another, uh, gift from you?”

Nate smiled serenly. “What time does the kid go to bed?”

Sid laughed at that before answering thickly, “I’ll keep you posted.”

That gave Nate pause, however, and he asked before he let Sid go, “What was the third thing?”

“Hm?”  
  
“You said you had three things. What was the third?”

“Oh,” Sid uttered, realizing. “Just that… well, I don’t actually think your problems are easy or fixable. Or small, or inconsequential, or anything else I said. I felt hurt and I just wanted to hurt you back, I guess. You and your problems and your life mean a lot to me, alright? They matter and I want to hear about all of it and help however I can. That’s all, I guess. I’m sorry I hurt you, I guess I still have a little growing up to do myself.”

Nate smiled, feeling relieved. He’d be lying if he didn’t say it wasn’t weighing on him. He should know better, though - Sid wasn’t that kind of guy. He knew that then and he has confirmation now.

“It’s okay, thank you,” Nate said, remembering his manners. “You too, you know. I don’t know how much help I can be, but… yeah, you too.”

“You help me all the time,” Sid said, earnest and embarrassing, “Just knowing you’re there helps me.”

“Jesus, Sid,” Nate said, laughing fondly at the man on the other line. He’s told _one sec_ and listened faintly as Sid interacted with Geno and his wife - Anna? - and then listened even more closely at the sounds of Sid happily talking to the kid. He can’t quite catch his name, but he imagined for a moment that it was something that ended with Crosby or MacKinnon. He was lost in his daydream when Sid finally returned, thinking about Sid after retirement coming to live in Denver with Nate and taking care of their kids. Sid up in the box with the other WAGs, holding their tiny baby in a little jersey - Avalanche, but with Crosby on the back - and cheering him on, maybe as he wins the Cup.

Sid’s voice in his ear dragged him out of it. “Sorry about that. I gotta go, I think.”

Nate smiled. “I know. Go practice.”

“Go practice?” Sid asked, confused. Nate could hear the moment he realized, however, and listened as Sid let out a delighted giggle and said, “Yeah. I’m gonna go practice.”

“Alright. I’ll, uh, text you later, eh?”

“Yeah,” Sid rushed to agree, “Please do. And Nate?”

“Yeah?”

“I, uh. Love you.”

Nate smiled, feeling his stomach swoop and his eyes clench shut. He felt hot, like all his dreams were within his grasp, like he would never feel bad again. He knew he would, that’s the downside of his maybe-depression, but… maybe he’d had Sid, from now on. Sid, who wants to help, as best he can. Nate can rely on himself, but maybe now he won’t have to rely on ONLY himself.

“Love you, too.”

**Author's Note:**

> i wrote this in two hours while avoiding writing my article. the world needs more croskinnon so be the change you wanna see etc etc. that being said, i have zero idea how to write crosby nor do i particularly want to write him. i mostly just love nate. and nate loves sid. it's Complicated. anyways it's bold of all of us to assume they have personalities, emotions, and goals aside from hockey, and can express anything ever, so if they're ooc it is what it is
> 
> tyson barrie is still an av. no further questions
> 
> i am heavily invested in nate mackinnon's mental health esp after his podcast on spittin chiclets so My Apologies for it being so EXTRA but. poor babey
> 
> i do not know any details about the penguins aside from random stuff i've acquired bc i am actually a flyers fan (+ sideline avs fan) so i hope malkin has a child. if not, congrats, you do now
> 
> my tumblr is danielbriere bc I Will Not Relent, feel free to come talk sidnate


End file.
